wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
