she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
