If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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