I wish I could punch you in the face.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
