she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
