Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
