I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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