i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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