apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
