i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
