just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
