Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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