so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
