Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The best revenge is premature balding
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
