I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
