Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
