i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
