I got her a Nickelback box set.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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