Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
