I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Enjoy the penises
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
