How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
