Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
