Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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