Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
