Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
