i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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