I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
