you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
