Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
