all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
