I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
