Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
