I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
