You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
