I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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