i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
