and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
