I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
