I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
