I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
