I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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