in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
