I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
