I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
