babies were throwing up all over the place
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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