hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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