Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
MIDGETS
????
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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