I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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