i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
