my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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