I'm going to jail i love you
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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