So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
