ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
