i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
