You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
