I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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