She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
