Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
