This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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